jueves, 27 de diciembre de 2012

Ketamina, the beginning.

And... About that drug. 
I was asking you because, I mean... are you totally sure that it was ketamina? was the guy serious or just kidding?
I know that it was so long ago, but... since then, im not sure if since that night or the one that we smoked so so so much in Caleb's place, but, i dont know, i think that it has... affected me someway, in ansiety and that stuff. Someway I was... conscious that since one of those nights I... start having that ''despersonalization'' stuff, but... I didnt tell anyone, because of the reason that it was my fault, because of drugs. 
Actually, I have not talk with too many people about that. But, anyways, i wanted to find the ''start'' of everything, the beginning. And even though its really screw up i have to know it to start working on it, to ''try'' to fix it up. 
Assume it.
Dont you remember that after one of those days... i dont know which one, i think that the ketamine day... i slept in your place? and the next day i had lunch there with your parents and your parents friends? well... then i got sick, and it was prom the next week, right?
Well, i started to feel so dizzy, all the time, but i wanted to think that it was because i got sick and i was on bed for two days or so.
Buuuuuuut, it seems that it was not because of that, but obviously with 16/17 years... i was not really prepared to assume that i got a ''psychotic break''? or anxiety or despersonalization or wathever because i ''smoked weed'' and some fucking guy put Ketamine on it, without telling us. 
Anyways back in Spain i continued smoking, to avoid reality, but now i do not anymore. 
I havent really tell anyone this before (about the smoking stuff, and the ''ketamine'' thing that we didnt know about) because I didnt wanna think about it.
I have been feeling really bad and scared about that, about that beeing the real reason. I dont wanna harm anyone that loves me, that I love, because of that, and i actually try to find a soluttion by myself.
I have been really alone even though I have good people around. Even though I get so much love. I felt so lonely inside. 
And i dont let anyone get in. I dont let people help me. I dont wanna hurt people. Thats what consumes me.
But, im pretty good, i really handle it so well, and im ok almost all the time, it is not serious or like... really heavy or worrying, thats good, at least.
And well... yeah, i've been looking information about it and its actually an hallucinatory drug.
And thats why it is so important for me to know if it was really ketamina or he joked or wathever.
But dont you worry , really, it looks like so bad, but it is not.
I promise. 

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